Hope This Helps, Ms. Dorson

Why I Regret Voting For President Obama

by Jill Dorson



Don't you worry your pretty little head, Jill, honey. Those of us who voted for Obama -- not for me, not for you, but for America -- will see this through to the next round. Just know that by voting for Obama, you voted the American Nazi Party (formerly the Republican Party) out of power, and that was Good Enough.

You see all the Rightwing-nuts who've responded to your article? They're called "the Retarded Minority," and the frothy spittle that flies out of their usually open mouth-holes is ACIDIC! Like those dinosaur things (or what THEY call "Jesus Horses") in "Jurassic Park." By voting against Sarah Palin, (and apparently accidentally for Obama. I can't really tell from your article. "Obama turned out to be a hard-working politician struggling against mouth-breathing pinheads instead of the Magical Half-Unicorn Elf-Man from Pandora I was expecting and now I can't have sex?" At least that's the best I could make from it.) Anway, THOSE Rightwing, tea-bagging Republitards are the America Haters you helped protect our country from. People like FRankG, Cupcake, and jpsbman who are eager to hold America down while the Nazi-Cons try to tushy-rape us again.

Here's another way to put it. Remember "that" scene from "Deliverance?" The Sarah Palin fanatics / teabaggers / Republitards are the hillbillies drilling Ned Beatty ("America") from behind. I know, I know, picturing America as Ned Beatty is hard enough, but everyone who voted for Obama, including you...? We're Burt Reynolds, with a bow-and-arrow!! And not just ANY Burt Reynolds... we're 1972 Burt Reynolds! So in 2010/12, when the Right tells you to help make America "squeal like a pig" for them, try to be Burt Reynolds one more time. And pretty soon you get to be in an even COOLER movie and make out with young Sally Fields!

Now before you get the vapors just go back to your settee, grab some hummus and tofu chips (50% off at Trader Joe's!) and put "Ellen" back on. Take a deep breath. There... feel better? We'll take it from here...