The other day, I felt like having something sweet, so I got in the truck (Ford, where America is Job #1) and drove along Old Hwy 240 (“they” want you to use the new freeway, but that seems unAmerican, somehow... kinda like, "why do they want us to use the new freeway so bad?" Whenever I ask that question, nobody can give me a good answer, which should be a clue right there!) Anyway, I drove down to the local 7-11, where my buddy Akbar (hey! I don't care what color a man's turban is... if he believes in the Holy Trinity: George W. Bush, Jesus Christ, Halliburton's profit margin, and the U.S. of A, in that order, then he's a friend of mine... Yeah, I know that's four things, but America's a Big Country and we do things in a Big Way.) Anyway, I got to Akbar's store and the first sweet thing that caught my eye (BESIDES Melindy Sue Bishwip -- please, people, keep your minds out of the gutter, she just graduated high school for gersh-shakes!) was the jawbreakin' machine. Well, I womped up a quarter (and you can bet it was a REGULAR quarter and NOT one of those Left-Wing new-fangled banner "State" quarters! Can you believe they actually have one for Virginia? Is Virginia even part of America anymore? I mean, ever since the voters bent George Allen over a picket fence and burned his very own cross right on his "maccaca," I think we all can consider Virginia seceded from the Union -- and not in a good way, like back in the Civil War days!) Anyway, I snaked a quarter up from my front pocket and plonked it right in the slot. I twisted the dial and sure enough, out comes the shiniest, pinkest, sweetest-looking jawbreaker this side of Boot Shew's hardware store (before it went out of business. Damn you Wal-Mart!!!! Just kidding. I can't hate you, Wal-Mart.) Well, I was just about to shoot that jawbreaker into my mouth when I noticed something funny. Not funny ha-ha, like Jeff Foxworthy, but funny weird, like Janeane Garofolo. I looked a little closer at said jawbreaker, and sure enough, there WAS something weird about it. Something weird and Holy. Because right there on that ol' jawbreaker was the Good Lord himself: Mr. Jesus H. Christ! The first thing I thought was "Sweet tooth, say hello to Jesus!" but then I thought, "I can't keep this blessed miracle to myself!" Next, I thought "this thing belongs in the front window of Critty Stiggit's 'Whatsit Shoppe!'" But unfortunately, Critty went out of business two years ago. (Damn you again, Wal Mart!!!!! Heh, heh... I'm just foolin' Wal-Mart... you know I love you. Take me back?) Then I thought... EBAY! So here I am. What you're looking at is a genuine U-S-of-A jawbreaker that's been blessed with the image of Jesus Christ, American. If you can't see Jesus on this jawbreaker then you either ain't looking hard enough or don't support our President. For the non-denominationalites, the image could also be that of a Happy Face. Bid long and bid high! ALL PROCEEDS of this auction will be donated to the "GEORGE W. BUSH -- Let's at Least GREASE the Rail He's Gonna Get Run-Out-of-Town On Committee" and the "Butt-B-Soft Rail Runnin' Grease Co. (a Division of Halliburton)" Free Shipping in the USA! Worldwide shipping TBD whether you love America or not. Due to the patriotic symbols on this jawbreaker, there's no shipping to France. US$ money orders/cashiers checks/PayPal only. RETURNS only offered to the Hell-Bound. Good luck…
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&Item=160238453663&Category=19270
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