Thursday, December 08, 2011

This year’s (2011) Halloween turned out to be an extra special night in my neighborhood. Not only were the streets crowded with thousands of little Spidermen, eleven-year-old girls dressed like vampires/hookers and teen-aged boys who’d obviously gone to amazing effort to dress in the latest costume craze of hoodies and back-packs, but little did anyone know that one of the Greatest Halloween Treasures of All Time was circulating on our street.

After my own kids returned I rummaged through their pumpkin candy buckets. (Like Michele Bachmann’s family we use only candy buckets carved out of actual pumpkins at our house. The handles are fashioned from Nazi barbed-wire brought back from Normandy by American Veterans. Call us Traditionalists!) I sorted out all the potentially dangerous sweets which I would personally taste-test later, leaving little Signert and Gretel with the relatively safe candy-corn and circa-2006 mini tootsie rolls.

With one eye on the WWE match I’d been watching through my neighbor’s window and another on the sweets piled on our cinderblock porch (this is actually not as impressive as it sounds since after being head-slapped into the side of the Special Needs trailer at my old high-school by the team mascot, an Alaskan Brown Bear named “Dillard,” I can roll my eyes individually in more separate directions than Steve Buscemi in a strip club) I caught a glimpse of something that would change my life – and if the price is right, yours – FOREVER.

Like a plastic-wrapped Hope Diamond I held in my hand a DOUBLE-PACKED DUBBLE BUBBLE BUBBLE GUM PACK!! Instead of a single Dubble Bubble Bubble Gum Ball in the little plastic package there were TWO!! And not just a regular two. One of them was IRREGULAR!

You read right. For auction today is a completely normal Dubble Bubble Gum Ball that’s been accidentally sealed with the pieces of an irregular Dubble Bubble Gum Ball.

The normal gum ball is blue. The irregular gumball is white. It was never even colored! Who knows what flavor it might be!? (Obviously the blue gum ball is blue flavor.)

Like a double-stamped Georgia State Quarter I knew that such a confectionery rarity had to be worth it’s weight in sugar. But why would the quality control department of any responsibly run company let such a valuable object out into the open market? Last Saturday I called Concord Confectioners, Ltd of Canada (the makers of Dubble Bubble Bubble Gum) to find out the statistical chances of such an anomaly occurring and was told by a "computerized" voice machine (yeah, right -- in Canada?) that a Concord Brands representative would not be available to return my call until something called “Lundi.” The cover-up was already beginning so I knew I must be onto something and that Concord Brands probably have agents scouring the globe for this rare piece of candy.

For the safety of my family I am willing to part with what may be the “1950’s-FBI-Agent-Vs-Commie-Spies-In-A-Hunt-For-Missing-Uranium” equivalent in bubble-gum form. (There is also a chance this malformed monstrosity is god's way of telling us that Halloween is EVIL! Either way, I'm outta here!)

Packet is completely sealed in original wrapper and has NOT been tampered with in any way.

Winning Bids over $1200 (twelve hundred dollars) receive FREE SHIPPING ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD. Bids 0f $1199.99 or less pay $1 (one dollar) for shipping. Worldwide shipping cost TBD. There's no shipping to France. Good luck! (Magnifying Glass NOT included)

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