Thursday, December 30, 2010

Jackie O!

I want to be Jackie Onassis...
I want to wear dark sunglasses...
I want to live the life she led...
But skip where my husband ends up shot in the head.

(with a little thanks to HSR)

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

1/1/11 Marathon Month of Covers Fast Approaching...

Remember the "Marathon Month of Covers" last summer? Did you ever think we'd find 30+ covers of "Seasons in the Sun?" Here's a taste of the "Marathon Month of Covers" that'll be heading our way 1/1/11. Let's GO!! 2011 hits by New Year's Eve!!

Respect and Obey Authority

If You Were Hoping...

...that the pretty girl behind you on the moped last night was following you home... she wasn't.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Sunday, December 26, 2010


...and while He's NOT happy that we didn't reach 2000 hits for his birthday Jesus realizes we're only human, "the children of a lesser god," created in the image of his lazy, buck-passing, glory-hogging, blame-throwing, ADHD father so Jesus is cool enough to cut us some slack and extend the deadline to NEW YEAR'S DAY.

So let's start off 2011 (pronounced "twenty-eleven" and NOT "two-thousand-eleven" -- I mean, come on, is December 7th, one-thousand-nine-hundred-and-forty-one going to be a day that will live in infamy? NO!) with a real bang and get this website 2000 (twenty hundred) hits for JESUS!!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Christmas Day @ the Beach!

HE: "Hey, let's take your sister and her husband and the kids out on the boat!"

SHE: "Really? The weather's not too good."

HE: "C'mon! They drove here all the way from Des Moines. Let's give 'em some SoCal flavor."

SHE: "Look at the waves!"

HE: "The waves aren't that big."

SHE: "They're pretty big, Derek. And the weather guy on TV just said another storm was coming."

HE: "The local weather guy? Those guys are dip-shits and the woman are porn stars. I'm taking the boat out."

SHE: "I don't think it's a good idea."

HE: "Kids!! Turn off the X-box and get your slickers on, we're going sailing!"

KIDS: "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!"

SHE: "I'm sorry but you are NOT taking the kids out in this weather. Look at those black clouds."

HE: "Oh, c'mon, those clouds are gray."

SHE: "No. Me and my sister are taking the kids to see 'Gulliver's Travels.'"

HE: "Then me and Bob'll go out by ourselves."

SHE: "Right. Bob. Bob who's already had eleven tequila shots and it's only 2 pm."

BROTHER-IN-LAW BOB: "I'm on vacation!"

HE: "I can handle the 'SS Party Island" by myself."

SHE: (mutters)

HE: "Excuse me?"

SHE: "Nothing. C'mon kids, we're going to see 'Gulliver's Travels'."

KIDS: "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!"

HE: "Told ya."

BOB: "You're out of limes."

HE: "Let's go, Bob. There's limes on the boat."

BOB: "Rock 'n Roll!!!"

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

"How's that 'Hopey-Changey' Thing Working Out...?"

In the past WEEK (!) President Obama has repealed "Don't Ask Don't Tell," got the "START Treaty" ratified despite opposition from almost criminally douche-baggy National Socialists (sorry, "Republicans,") who were willing to put the PHYSICAL, GEOLOGICAL EXISTENCE of America at nuclear risk unless their temper-tantrum was quelled by quashing said repeal of DADT, got a tax bill through that contains most of stuff that's good for Actual Americans except for some hold-overs demanded by Douche-Bag millionaire National Socialists (SORRY, "Republicans!" I just watched a documentary about how the Nazi Party came to power in the early 1930's and the similarities between their tactics and GOP's have got me confused) and now the 9/11 "Responders Bill" is going through. How's that "Hopey-Changey" thing working out? Well, pretty damn good you cunty, Alaskan ginch.

Friday, December 17, 2010

2000 Hits For Christmas...?

Jesus told me for his birthday present he wants this blog to reach 2000 hits by Christmas.


The more I see about this new abomination called "Portlandia" the more I want to kick my TV set in. Fred Armisen AND some ginch from faux-lesbian-chic Sleater-Kinney? What kind of video-Nazis would foist this twee piece of "indie" preciousness on us. Go back to Canadian TV where you obviously belong. Fred Armisen has always seemed to me to be someone who, while they know how to ACT funny, doesn't have an actual sense of humor. Someone who likes to "deconstruct" comedy and "get down to the basics of what's makes us laugh." Well, Fred Armisen falling down a man-hole would make me laugh. (BTW, Natalie Portman also strikes me as someone who knows how to act "funny" or "sexy" or "sad" or "happy" but when the cameras are off she shuts-down faster than C3PO in Luke Skywalker's workshop.)


Thursday, December 16, 2010

Good Morning!

Awww... Pheebs...

Night On the Town

A night of improv is always easier to survive if there are a couple of pretty girls in the troupe... (pic not related)

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Hey. Samuel Adams beer...

Okay, okay we get it. You're better than Coors. But your pretentious, douche-baggy ads make me want to enlist with the Redcoats and water-board your pompous insurgent asses.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Friday, December 03, 2010

Just Wondering... pets "catch a cold" like we do? And if your pet has a cold, or the flu, or something, can we catch it from them? Just wondering...

Happy Holidays!!


Thursday, December 02, 2010

we are the music makers

We are the music makers,
And we are the dreamers of dreams,
Wandering by lone sea-breakers,
And sitting by desolate streams;—
World-losers and world-forsakers,
On whom the pale moon gleams:
Yet we are the movers and shakers
Of the world for ever, it seems.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

"Hey! It's Enrico Pallazzo!



Rock & Roll: Lesson 413...

If you see a rock band and there's a girl playing cello or violin, that's the lead singer's girlfriend.
If there's a guy playing the trumpet or trombone, he owns the van.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The American Astronaut

Watch it now.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Well... why not...

"Sarah Palin's Alaska..."'s like "The Sound of Music" but without the music and the Nazis win!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Demi Lovato's Disney Show To Go On Without Her | Radar Online

...and this is why there isn't a single Executive at the Disney Channel who will not be going to hell...

Demi Lovato's Disney Show To Go On Without Her | Radar Online

Friday, November 12, 2010

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Monday, November 08, 2010

THIS is America...

Sunday, November 07, 2010

TEXAS: America's Adopted Retard Child...

Saturday, November 06, 2010

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Found this on FARK...

How we listen to the Radio today, compared to 20 years ago...

Tuesday, November 02, 2010


...or shut it.


Sunday, October 31, 2010

Sunday, October 24, 2010


I'm finally watching "Funny People." 12 minutes in -- so far, pretty great. Still think Leslie Mann only works because she let's Judd Apatow fuck her. Jury out.

time for another martini

39 minutes in. Still Awesome. (I know that commenting on a movie's progress every few minutes might not indicate a compelling movie but "Funny People" is working out just fine... so far.)

(FYI go see "Jackass 3D" this weekend)

Leslie Mann is back at 1:04 into "Funny People." She must be AWESOME in the sack, because she sucks ASS in the movies.

In what universe does a guy watch Leslie Mann and think: "How did I let you get away!?" She reminds me a razor sharp needle you might jam into your cock.

‎"How could you cheat on me? I'm so hot!" says Leslie Mann's character at 1:05 into "Funny People." "Because I like fucking vaginas but not cunts?" is what Adam Sandler should say back.

Okay, now I see why this movie started to fall apart for some people. Leslie Mann is NOT a sympathetic "ex-girlfriend." She should only play the "shrewish ex-wife" who's trying to take Greg Kinnear for everything he's got, while his lawyer (David Schwimmer) fights for custody of the kids.

Any sympathy you might have for Adam Sandler evaporates as you learn he still cares for this brittle harpie.

Holy shit, I have to get off Leslie Mann's case. Except that her publicist seems to have forgotten she only appears in her husband's movies.

OK, the end.

FYI: at 1:15 "Funny People" still kicks ass.

Okay. I'm almost done. At 1:35 the movie's become so precious I almost want to puke. And sure enough, professional star fucker Leslie Mann would rather bang Adam Sandler's celebrity character than her own husband. What a whore.

I don't find a shrill bitch cheating on her husband with a celebrity to be "romantic" or "charming."

Okay... making sure we all think Leslie Mann's character is a complete CUNT just MIGHT be part of the story. Let's watch...

Nope. It's not. Adam Sandler's character is infatuated with this brittle ginch, while her adorable Australian husband, Eric Bana, is apparently a block of wood because he... speaks Chinese? Is Australian? Is rich? Not sure yet. However, if this is the road the movie's gonna take, I can see why it bombed. Adam Sandler's character is turning into a moron.

1:49. Now we're supposed to feel sympathetic for Leslie Mann and Adam Sandler because they're annoyed by her adorable husband who is enthusiastically trying to be friends with Adam Sandler? Fuck them.

‎"FUNNY PEOPLE??!!" Hideous, Obnoxious, Selfish cocky people!!

Okay, okay... I'm sensing Adam Sandler may be about to realize he's fallen in to a pit of self-centered cunt vipers. Maybe his character is about to be redeemed. But it's confusing. Another reason why this might have bombed.


Adam Sandler deserves to get the shit beat out of him, for letting that bitch manipulate him like that.

FUCK THIS MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it's pissing me off!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone in this movie is a complete douche-bag EXCEPT the guy who's SUPPOSED to be a douche-bag, Jason Schwartzman!!!!!!!!!!!

Adam Sandler does NOT redeem himself that the end.

This Movie Blows.

Friday, October 22, 2010



"Did you watch any TV last night?"

"Nah, there was a twatfull of cunts on every channel."


Sunday, October 17, 2010

RIP TV Mommy...

When we were little kids in the 70's my sister and I were in a big fight. She screamed at me: "You'd be a better brother if you learned more lessons from 'Leave it to Beaver!!!'" At the time I responded by taking a beat, then dropping to the ground and rolling around holding my stomach, tears of derisive laughter squirting out of my eyes. But now I look back and think solemnly to myself: "You were right, Sis... so very, very right."

Saturday, October 16, 2010

In a Perfect World...

Try to Remember We All Live in the SAME America...

Sleep Tight, "Patriotic" America, and dream your dreamy dreams about the "Good Old Days" with your beloved Leader. Meanwhile, the rest of us here in *Actual* America will try and fix all the things he and his fraternity buddies drunkenly date-raped in the back seats of their daddies' cars - while the cops got paid to look the other way - and attempt to make sure we all still get to live in a country where things like Freedom of Speech, Religion, and Assembly are a Right and not an invitation to be arrested as a Terrorist.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Sunday, October 03, 2010

Wow, SNL Sucks...

I gotta say, I'm the Biggest SNL Apologist around, but this new season blows more than Harry James on Betty Grable's vagina-trumpet.

Once Jane Lynch fails next week, I predict Lorne Michaels will pull the fire alarm and call for an R.E.H. (Rapid-Emergency-Host) trifecta of Steve Martin, Alec Baldwin, Paul Simon.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Friday, September 24, 2010


"I shall give a propaganda reason for starting the war; whether it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked whether he told the truth."

A. George W. Bush

B. Hitler

C. All of the above.

Katy Perry sings "Hot N Cold" with Elmo on Sesame Street!

Would this video be less controversial if Elmo could blink? Right now he just looks like a pervert either staring at Katy Perry's boobs or trying hard NOT to stare at Katy Perry's boobs. Boobs.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

This is NOT America...

"All Faggots Must Die...!"

Friday, September 17, 2010

The Beatles vs. The Rolling Stones: Why It's Not a Fair Fight

The Other Night I was watching TV and on one of the movie channels there suddenly appeared "One Plus One" (1968) by French film-making maverick Jean-Luc Goddard. It's basically a documentary about the recording of the Rolling Stones' brilliant "Sympathy for the Devil," with some other no-longer-fresh, French New Wave interpretations of Black Panther shit that's only relevant to people who smoke retro-Gauloises and think Jessie Jackson MATTERS.

I called to my teen-aged kids "you gotta come watch this! THIS will explain to you why the Rolling Stones KICK ASS!" So we watched it. We watched a documentary, directed by a genius, about the Rolling Stones recording their MASTERPIECE.

It was the most boring snooze-fest I've ever witnessed. I was embarrassed that I'd dragged my kids away from "Red Dead Redemption" for this. The Rolling Stones slept-walked their way through the process, basically confirming my fears that their best work was the result of SHEAR LUCK.

When the movie was over I knew I had to redeem myself in the eyes of my now suspicious kids. I quickly popped in my old VHS copy of "Let it Be" before they could make a get-away. "Okay, okay, forget that. HERE'S a documentary that REALLY kicks ass, about a band we ALL KNOW kicks GALACTIC ASS!" So we watched "Let it Be." And my kids were enthralled. My son Max (who now is called "Graham") said: "Wait a minute. Are you trying to tell this movie was made only 4 1/2 years after 'A Hard Day's Night?!'" I nodded sagely and replied: "yes."

So basically we learned that even in "Let it Be," directed by the talented, though Journeyman artist Michael Lindsay-Hogg, which is Universally acknowledged to show them at their WORST, the Beatles STILL kick the ASS of the Rolling Stones, as evident in "One on One," the documentary directed by RENOWNED GENIUS Jean-Luc Goddard and showing the Stones AT THE PINNACLE of their creative talent.

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